Once and Future
by Kampe
Summary: Merlin failed, so Destiny punished him. It set him through the motions again and again. He will be given a new chance, but at what cost?


**Disclaimer: I do not own _Merlin_. The BBC does.**

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**Once and Future**

Merlin sobbed quietly as he held the king in his arms. He set the man down, letting the boat drift towards Avalon. With a raised hand he whispered a spell, allowing the boat to ignite in flames. The ashes soon fell deep into the lake, melting into the flowing water. The warlock watched. The warlock waited.

Destiny reared its head, roaring at the Dragonlord's failure. It bellowed in anger, screaming the punishment. The warlock's world blurred. He could see nothing, not even darkness. There was no when, no where, no now. Then light shone, bringing only misery.

As the warlock looked into his mother's joyful eyes, he knew his fate.

The warlock grew, as he once had, going through the motions of his past life. He made the same mistakes and choices, watching tearfully. There was nothing he could do, trapped in the body that was once his. No one ever look deep enough, no one ever saw the sorrow festering deep inside.

The man saw Will again. He screamed silently, desperately trying to warn Will of what was to come. The bonds held strong, cutting him mentally. He tried to enjoy it, the time as a child, but he could only think of what would happen.

Then he met Arthur.

The prat was little more than a royal bully. Merlin mourned silently as he antagonized the prince. There was nothing he could do to stop himself, even if he had wanted to. He saw Morgana, still kind and regal. He wanted to save her, to help her and reassure her. Gwen was there too, the nervous serving-girl who would one day rule as Queen.

He asked Gaius that question again. _"Am I a Monster?"_

Gaius denied it, but then he did not know. The word echoed in Merlin's mind, _Monster, Monster._ Kilgharrah was called a monster and Kilgharrah was his kin. Did that make Merlin a Monster too? He knew he was no human, the magic in his veins and the blood on his hand proved that. Was Merlin a Monster?

The thought lingered, screaming as the warlock destroyed again and again. When Nimueh perished at his hand, he felt the magic shatter. It was breaking him, slowly. The blood was acid, eating through him.

It was all a blur after that. Mordred, Cornelius Sigan, Morgause, Morgana. Freya, Lancelot, Isolde, Will. The Dragonlord saw them through glass, no matter how strong his blows where. Time was fickle, speeding him along as he wept and slowing when he sang. The warlock watched the Crystals, unlocking his magic from its sleep. Dragoon marched to battle, only for Arthur to die on Mordred's sword.

There he was again, the boat skimming across the waves. The ashes soon fell deep into the lake, melting into the flowing water. The warlock watched. The warlock waited.

Destiny assessed him, Destiny judged Merlin. It wanted him to break, to realize that there was no Merlin. So it threw him into the void.

He saw the light and shrieked in agony. The warlock's mind began to rip at the seams, tearing itself apart. Childhood passed without a single spark of fun. Arthur's taunts fell on deaf ears while a body moved mechanically.

He asked it again, desperate for a new answer. He did not hear Gaius, he heard destiny. _Monster, _his mind accused, _Monster_. The blood burned, twisting his mind into Destiny's tool. He did it all again, watched them fall into Avalon, though he was beginning to doubt its existence.

When Dragoon marched once more, a fire sparked inside him. He nursed the flame, letting it grow into a roar of hope. Arthur sighed his last breath; and the boat carried the warlock's fire away. The ashes soon fell deep into the lake, melting into the flowing water. The warlock watched. The warlock waited.

Destiny snuffed his hope, punishing his disobedience. There was nothing again, he floated in his misery and drowned in his deceit.

The light scowled as if annoyed by his continued existence. His world was red and gold, Destiny forcing him through programed motions. He forgot them, their faces, and their names. He remembered that he loved them once, back before his punishment. They disappeared into nothing and Destiny laughed. _Monster, Monster._

Nothing could make him forget Arthur Pendragon. So, when Dragoon took the field, his hope was rekindled. Destiny screeched, making him feel indescribable pain.

Arthur's boat glided out in burning fire. The ashes soon fell deep into the lake, melting into the flowing water. The warlock watched. The warlock waited.

Destiny pushed the warlock harder, blurring his thoughts, ripping his mind. Again and again, he went through the motions, the hope dimming each time. Soon there was little more than an ember.

Then there was nothing.

_Who are you?_

_I am Emrys._

Destiny gave him a new chance.


End file.
